3 1/2 Years.....

Today, the girls and I have been on our own for exactly 3 1/2 years. Most Anniversaries are somewhat celebratory, while others remain sobering. In between are the ones that are both. I think today's Anniversary falls under both. Sobering in that when I started out...at 18, having graduated high school and beginning college, I never dreamed in a million years that life would turn out the way it has. I was fully consumed with the notion that I would meet the man of my dreams, fall madly in love  and he with me) , we would have a beautiful family and we would live blissfully ever after.  (Side note...I promised myself to NEVER be one of those mothers who drove a station wagon!!). Well, I embarked on college, a good job, and kissed a few toads along the way. I met my girls father (I will refer to him as Big Daddy or BD throughout this and future blog posts) while in my early 20's and fell madly in love with him, and his big family! I met BD at the gym I worked at, I taught Aerobics class there, (or as my favourite soon to be sis in law  refered to as "Jump & Shout" class), we hit it off like a house on fire..he was full of personality, bravado, and striking good looks!  I almost had the dress picked out!  Our relationship spanned 5 years before the "I do's". We had lived together for 4 of those years, been blessed with our oldest daughter T,  a house, a dog and what seemed to be a somewhat normal life.  We had a  small wedding, just 48 of our closest friends and family...it was such a fun, classy little party! It snowed like crazy that night, it was a late December Wedding..so rather perfect.
The next few years proved to be anything but perfect...as any marriage or relationship we had hurdles, and much of the time was tumultuous. BD always had a nasty temper...behind those striking good looks, he has held onto an anger that was installed long before I came along. Several years in and after a brief 2 year separation..(attributed to his anger ) we were blessed with our second daughter C. Things were alright for a short time...well sort of.  Despite several attempts to "live with it", eventually BD's temper became an atributing factor to the end of the marriage. I felt for more years than not..it must be me..something I did, something I didn't do, something I was, or wasn't, perhaps if I only....fill in the blanks, it didn't matter what I would put in there..it wasn't enough. I loved him enough to stay with him for 23 years. There were times when I didn't always like him, the love however didn't die. I left in less than optimal circumstances, there had been several bouts of physical threats and abuse, and too much verbasl assaults to even count. We had less than 24 hours to leave with whatever mattered most to us. I had no real idea of how many true friends we had, I am grateful to this day and will never forget the help they gave us during the transition of our lives.
3 1/2 years later , we are standing tall...not to say we have not hit our knees..man have we ever! We have the most amazing circle of friends..they are there with a hug, with their hand to help us up, and always with their hearts which have kept us safe.  I love them all . We have learned so much in these few short years..(although at times it has felt like an eternity),.
When you are women on your own, there are some very important things you need to know... you learn that car maintence is extremely important, things like general household fixits can be challenging..but not impossible, painting the inside your own house is really fun, dealing with a mouse who has found his way into the house...um not so fun, making big decisions knowing that you are the one that it all hangs on is necessary, and not scarry ( most of the time nobody dies...you just have to make the right decision..lol), that being a full time working single mother still allows you the time to be a good mother..really!!.....and that looking after onesself is paramount. I've learned a lot about trust, and how it relates to decisions I make, and who I feel deserves it. I have learned that peace in the home is priceless...no kaos, no drama accepted.  I have learned that there are no bad decisions, just better ones, and the rougher the experience, the more illuminated and important the lesson is. I am still learning to watch more than I listen, and I am not afraid of loving the people around me, and telling them every chance I get. Last year the divorce became final...it was within days of the 3 year mark. To say the journey was rough, would be an understatement. Divorce is no party, it is incredibly sobering and final.
So here we are six months later, on my own, the Girls and I, our little farm and the horses that mean so much to us, our 2 dogs, and a brand new year. If there is a reason for Celebration...I celebrate all that we have learned, who we have become, all that we have experienced, and the ones we love so very much along the way. There is something about 2012...it's fresh, it is full of hope and opportunity, rich with experiences and anticipation. I really feel its going to get better and better.
xo