Over....it's a word we often associate with a negative connotation. I'm not sure why the past couple of days it has been burning in my mind so much. I generally regard my self as a fairly optimistic person....you know the textbook glass is half full girl. Yet my day off yesterday was spent physically preparing our beautiful little farm for the coming fall and winter months..with my mind busily assessing "Over".
So we have Overboard..never good...Overdone..also not good generally speaking...Overdrawn...expensive...Overwraught..exhausting...Overexposed...sounds pale...Overeat...uncomfortable...Overkill...um think about this for a minute...if we look at this one literally..how would this actually happen..bit of a ridiculous word. ..Overgrowth...blackberry bushes...Overflow...messy...Overo...not really an Over...its actually a colour of a Painted Horse...just though I would throw it in anyway.....Overzealous...too much espresso!
I look at "Over" as something designed by The Universe as a lesson..part of journey here ..( check the glass level...here comes that half full thing again...)
As I see it "Over" is not a bad thing. It is a rebirth, recharge opportunity for us to look at what was and make a now well informed decision on what is to be. "Over" and its specific circumstances need never be repeated, unless of course..by choice. "Over" gives us time to pause, to think, and in some cases wonder. It allows us the space to reflect and casts us into the overview of our future...what do we want, need, desire..what makes us truly happy. "Over" gives us permission to miss what was, grieve...it's good, its in that missing or grieving that we can come to terms with ourselves, learn ...get to know ourselves better. Perhaps some "Over's" give us permission to love ourselves a little more and remind us to .....next time be true to ourselves.
Sometimes "Over"can leave us feeling like we are in need of an Overhaul..... like we have been in a constant state of Overdrive....Some leave us Overwhelmed and searching for an Overview that somehow makes sense.
My favorite "Over" is the one that leaves us Overjoyed.....for in this is a realization that we are well on our way...I find in Overjoyed.....a feeling of being blessed...laughter.....insight....knowledge..conviction...and while the path to "Over" quite often is worthy of owning an SUV just to make it through...there is light, and gratitude, the ability to exhale....and breathe in fresh new life enabling air.....Joy!
Nancy xo
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
Friday, September 7, 2012
Living thru Trust
"Training Thru Trust". Its a philosophy that is used by a Horseman who trains and figures out horses (and the people that own them). Doug is incredibly accurate at what he does, talented, understanding and soft spoken. Schooled beyond what I have ever witnessed in the psychology of horses, how they think, how they feel and a grasp on why they think and feel the way they do. We have the privilege a few months ago to have Doug come to our farm and hold a two day private clinic for us. It was amazing. Everyone at the farm had a great experience with Doug, and their horses..and each other.
When I purchased my little mare 7 years ago, I knew little about the how to's of breaking horses, but I knew a lot about the loving of horses, how beautiful they were and how much I really wanted one! Yes we were going to become Reining companions together...Ride everyday and become real buddies!
I looked at about 6 horses before I found "Pants" (her registered name is Quincy Quick N Fancy...and man is she ever...on all counts!). The ad stated she was Registered, loads, stands for the farrier, quiet . I found Pants standing in a field at the end of a dead end road standing with two other horses, we looked at each other across the gate as if to say "Oh..there you are"! I came back the next day with an envelope of $100. bills and a friend with a horse trailer, Pants was coming home. Little did I know..how completely true that "Oh ..there you are" would become in the years to follow.
Pants has not been an easy study....for most. She has managed to force every trainer out of her world..and out of my barn, as they all have given up on her as she reaches her boiling point. One cowboy from Alberta came to me after putting 30 days of training and most politely told me "Miss Nancy, I could push her farther, but I am afraid I will break her spirit, and I think you love her too much for me to do that" I thanked Brother D for his honesty and quietly took my complicated little mare back..spirit completely intact. (Brother D and I are still very good friends!)
I decided to put any dreams of reining with her on hold..and do as my dear friend S had suggested.."just enjoy her".
Pants hates men, her ears pin, she will snort and evade their company any way she can find. Upon finding the breeder and contacting her, I was soon to learn that my little mare had been the victim of a beating as a yearling at the doorway of her stall, by the breeders husband. "He beat her probably harder than he needed to " she happily told me. I wanted to crawl through the phone at this point, as she nor her husband were witness to the fear still prevalent in my mare's life as a result of his lack of control.
I have learned that horses remember for up to a decade, it is my thought that the damage done that day as a yearling has so imprinted on her, that it will never leave her.
I arrived at the barn on the first day of the clinic and was politely asked to please retrieve my mare as she had decided not to allow anyone near her that afternoon. I poked my head out her stall door to the paddock where she was standing..."Hey...are you coming in"? That little mare looked up and in she came...the rest of the day would bring tears to my eyes....
I explained to Doug in a quick summation, who she was, "it's a trust issue with her...she has so little, all I see is a little horse who has so much try and wants to be good, she just doesn't trust people, except me" I explained about the beating, men, her spirit, and the softness I seem to be the only one to experience.
I handed my precious little mare over to Mr. Mills, and proceeded to watch in awe for the next hour and a half, while he worked quietly with her to gain the trust she had for so very long kept buried deep inside of her. It was a very gentle experience for her, quiet and without fuss or negativity. Almost magic really....he quietly stayed with her and their session ended with her joining up, soft eyes ....and head down ready for human contact...with a man she had only met a short time prior. As my little mare was handed back to me Mr Mills quietly explained...."somebody gave her hell for the fact that she was just being herself...and that wasn't fair. We can't change the past, but we can look to her future and help her to become more comfortable in her own skin".
Those softly spoken words hit home hard, this lesson was about my mare..and myself.
Looking at the little mare that night I saw a lot of myself within her...we had more in common that I had cared to admit.
Mr Mills was back the next day for another session, watching her with him brought tears to my eyes, she was beginning to trust, it was a slow process, but we could all see that she wanted to...it was clear that the experiences she had held onto from her past were so engrained , as I had suspected this was going to be a long road. The months following have seen us spend time together, using the tools and recreating the experiences she had over the two days spent with Mr. Mills, a lot of love and infinite patience.. I have noticed a huge difference in the little mare, she joins up immediately, we walk together and she is never far from my side. "Training thru Trust"...thank you Doug Mills...we are living thru Trust.
We have a greater understanding, and she is most definitely more comfortable in her own skin. All of our life experiences leave a footprint, some change us forever more. Matters of trust I have found lead us directly to matters of the heart, it is in our ability to quietly understand ourselves and those around us coupled with our willingness to forgive and not only accept gratitude but to fully embrace it that frees us from those experiences that shake us.
My little mare cannot go back and change the events of her past that have made her who she is today. I love that little mare, she is talented, beautiful and within her levels of trust....forgiving. I honor who she is, love her unconditionally, and do my part each day to make her life easy to be comfortable in. She is doing well, I ask little of her, she gives me so much. I have heard it said "The winds of heaven are that which blow through a horses ears"...it must be then that "The air of heaven is that which is breathed while in the presence of a horse". It certainly is with my little mare.
xo
When I purchased my little mare 7 years ago, I knew little about the how to's of breaking horses, but I knew a lot about the loving of horses, how beautiful they were and how much I really wanted one! Yes we were going to become Reining companions together...Ride everyday and become real buddies!
I looked at about 6 horses before I found "Pants" (her registered name is Quincy Quick N Fancy...and man is she ever...on all counts!). The ad stated she was Registered, loads, stands for the farrier, quiet . I found Pants standing in a field at the end of a dead end road standing with two other horses, we looked at each other across the gate as if to say "Oh..there you are"! I came back the next day with an envelope of $100. bills and a friend with a horse trailer, Pants was coming home. Little did I know..how completely true that "Oh ..there you are" would become in the years to follow.
Pants has not been an easy study....for most. She has managed to force every trainer out of her world..and out of my barn, as they all have given up on her as she reaches her boiling point. One cowboy from Alberta came to me after putting 30 days of training and most politely told me "Miss Nancy, I could push her farther, but I am afraid I will break her spirit, and I think you love her too much for me to do that" I thanked Brother D for his honesty and quietly took my complicated little mare back..spirit completely intact. (Brother D and I are still very good friends!)
I decided to put any dreams of reining with her on hold..and do as my dear friend S had suggested.."just enjoy her".
Pants hates men, her ears pin, she will snort and evade their company any way she can find. Upon finding the breeder and contacting her, I was soon to learn that my little mare had been the victim of a beating as a yearling at the doorway of her stall, by the breeders husband. "He beat her probably harder than he needed to " she happily told me. I wanted to crawl through the phone at this point, as she nor her husband were witness to the fear still prevalent in my mare's life as a result of his lack of control.
I have learned that horses remember for up to a decade, it is my thought that the damage done that day as a yearling has so imprinted on her, that it will never leave her.
I arrived at the barn on the first day of the clinic and was politely asked to please retrieve my mare as she had decided not to allow anyone near her that afternoon. I poked my head out her stall door to the paddock where she was standing..."Hey...are you coming in"? That little mare looked up and in she came...the rest of the day would bring tears to my eyes....
I explained to Doug in a quick summation, who she was, "it's a trust issue with her...she has so little, all I see is a little horse who has so much try and wants to be good, she just doesn't trust people, except me" I explained about the beating, men, her spirit, and the softness I seem to be the only one to experience.
I handed my precious little mare over to Mr. Mills, and proceeded to watch in awe for the next hour and a half, while he worked quietly with her to gain the trust she had for so very long kept buried deep inside of her. It was a very gentle experience for her, quiet and without fuss or negativity. Almost magic really....he quietly stayed with her and their session ended with her joining up, soft eyes ....and head down ready for human contact...with a man she had only met a short time prior. As my little mare was handed back to me Mr Mills quietly explained...."somebody gave her hell for the fact that she was just being herself...and that wasn't fair. We can't change the past, but we can look to her future and help her to become more comfortable in her own skin".
Those softly spoken words hit home hard, this lesson was about my mare..and myself.
Looking at the little mare that night I saw a lot of myself within her...we had more in common that I had cared to admit.
Mr Mills was back the next day for another session, watching her with him brought tears to my eyes, she was beginning to trust, it was a slow process, but we could all see that she wanted to...it was clear that the experiences she had held onto from her past were so engrained , as I had suspected this was going to be a long road. The months following have seen us spend time together, using the tools and recreating the experiences she had over the two days spent with Mr. Mills, a lot of love and infinite patience.. I have noticed a huge difference in the little mare, she joins up immediately, we walk together and she is never far from my side. "Training thru Trust"...thank you Doug Mills...we are living thru Trust.
We have a greater understanding, and she is most definitely more comfortable in her own skin. All of our life experiences leave a footprint, some change us forever more. Matters of trust I have found lead us directly to matters of the heart, it is in our ability to quietly understand ourselves and those around us coupled with our willingness to forgive and not only accept gratitude but to fully embrace it that frees us from those experiences that shake us.
My little mare cannot go back and change the events of her past that have made her who she is today. I love that little mare, she is talented, beautiful and within her levels of trust....forgiving. I honor who she is, love her unconditionally, and do my part each day to make her life easy to be comfortable in. She is doing well, I ask little of her, she gives me so much. I have heard it said "The winds of heaven are that which blow through a horses ears"...it must be then that "The air of heaven is that which is breathed while in the presence of a horse". It certainly is with my little mare.
xo
Monday, February 13, 2012
A Good Place and Coming Home.....
I subscribe wholeheartedly to the belief that we are exactly where we are meant to be at every moment in time. I think that the Universe hands us people, places, and events as they are meant to unfold throughout our lives and that these offerings are there to either teach us the lessons we so dearly require as we walk through our lives, or placed in our path so that we may assist others with the knowledge we ourselves have already obtained through our experiences.
I also believe that from time to time people who come into our lives are not meant to stay for long...however their presence in our world (however brief it may be) has a purpose, be it to connect us to others we are meant to spend more time with, or offer us a lesson we are intended to have,...either way all leave footprints on our lives, some on our hearts.
This past year has been one of those laden with footprints, inclusive of a time out from many whose paths are now returning to join up with mine.
We always know intuitively when we are in a good place...and when we are not. I found this past year rich with experiences...ones that I needed to learn, and feel and walk through. It has been a time of reflection, time away from a community, away from some loved ones and away from myself and who I really truly am. There was a change in careers ( it was my choice)....one that took me away from people and the community I was involved with and put me in a quiet place tucked away from everyone, including myself.At the time, I needed the change...the solitude, and the lesson. Had I not made this change, I believe that I would not be where I am now.
There was a man, (R) I fell very deeply in love with him...along with his 3 daughters, We spent the greater portion of 9 months together...and those girls felt like my own. There was something about him, he had a softness about him beneath the bravado and ruggedly handsome exterior, he had overcome much adversity in his life and seems very committed to helping others do the same. I had not felt like this since I first fell in love with my girls father soo many years ago.
It is now four months later and life is without R. I still miss those girls and the times we were all together laughing over the silliest things....and the feeling of "family" we shared, even if for a short time. I miss R terribly every day.......it is an incredible void without his voice, and those 3 precious girls.
I have just started a new job, entrenched in a community that I love so dearly. The owners are a long time family in our community, and some of the truest most genuinely good people I have ever had the pleasure to meet...and call my friends. The girl I am replacing is moving away, off to a new adventure, she is a jewell. I had the pleasure of working with her just a few short years ago and once again our paths are crossing. I think this time we will stay more in touch, I love her dearly, she too is just genuinely lovely, I wish her a lifetime of happiness, she is so deserving! This past week has been full of seeing old friends and members of a community I have dearly missed. The coming weeks and months will see more of this...aaaahhh love it!!!
Its an amazing feeling to wake up each day in a place of happy, excited about the day, and grateful to be here! It has been a week of coming home.
There is no man in my life at this moment...I think it may take some time...which is okay, there is much to focus on, and to accomplish. There will be time down the road....when it feels right and my heart has healed.
Days off now are filled with horses, time with close friends, my girls, gratitude and sheer bliss.
To say I have found a good place would be an understatement...
xo
I also believe that from time to time people who come into our lives are not meant to stay for long...however their presence in our world (however brief it may be) has a purpose, be it to connect us to others we are meant to spend more time with, or offer us a lesson we are intended to have,...either way all leave footprints on our lives, some on our hearts.
This past year has been one of those laden with footprints, inclusive of a time out from many whose paths are now returning to join up with mine.
We always know intuitively when we are in a good place...and when we are not. I found this past year rich with experiences...ones that I needed to learn, and feel and walk through. It has been a time of reflection, time away from a community, away from some loved ones and away from myself and who I really truly am. There was a change in careers ( it was my choice)....one that took me away from people and the community I was involved with and put me in a quiet place tucked away from everyone, including myself.At the time, I needed the change...the solitude, and the lesson. Had I not made this change, I believe that I would not be where I am now.
There was a man, (R) I fell very deeply in love with him...along with his 3 daughters, We spent the greater portion of 9 months together...and those girls felt like my own. There was something about him, he had a softness about him beneath the bravado and ruggedly handsome exterior, he had overcome much adversity in his life and seems very committed to helping others do the same. I had not felt like this since I first fell in love with my girls father soo many years ago.
It is now four months later and life is without R. I still miss those girls and the times we were all together laughing over the silliest things....and the feeling of "family" we shared, even if for a short time. I miss R terribly every day.......it is an incredible void without his voice, and those 3 precious girls.
I have just started a new job, entrenched in a community that I love so dearly. The owners are a long time family in our community, and some of the truest most genuinely good people I have ever had the pleasure to meet...and call my friends. The girl I am replacing is moving away, off to a new adventure, she is a jewell. I had the pleasure of working with her just a few short years ago and once again our paths are crossing. I think this time we will stay more in touch, I love her dearly, she too is just genuinely lovely, I wish her a lifetime of happiness, she is so deserving! This past week has been full of seeing old friends and members of a community I have dearly missed. The coming weeks and months will see more of this...aaaahhh love it!!!
Its an amazing feeling to wake up each day in a place of happy, excited about the day, and grateful to be here! It has been a week of coming home.
There is no man in my life at this moment...I think it may take some time...which is okay, there is much to focus on, and to accomplish. There will be time down the road....when it feels right and my heart has healed.
Days off now are filled with horses, time with close friends, my girls, gratitude and sheer bliss.
To say I have found a good place would be an understatement...
xo
Thursday, January 26, 2012
A Good Life..
"A good life comes from within...from inner happiness and peace. It comes from knowing who you are and indulging in acceptance of unchangable things and striving for better where you can...Finding happiness in the small and simple things and not provoking complexity intentionally."
T was handed an English assignment last week, the topic was to write a short essay on "A Good Life does not have to be Complex". This quote was from her essay. Reading through it gave me a little more insight to my daughter, and made me think about the life we currently live. There is such happiness in the simple things, when you have had moments or events of adversity in life your value system ultimately changes. Our lives I suppose are quite simple, the needs are basic..(the list of wants and wishes from time to time...well thats another story!! )
We have some pretty crazy moments in our house, not to be confused with kaos...as we have no longer any kaos in our lives, I would say life is busy..crazy...and we have some pretty great moments of fun and laughter. Yes we have challenges too, just like everyone else.
This morning I was driving C to school...she was a littel tired and rather quiet...I couldn't resist...something about belting out the newest Rhianna song and throwing in a little air guitar while stopped at the traffic light is just about enough to make any mother die laughing while completely horrifying her teenage daughter!!! I kept it up until almost at the school...haha poor C she was trying soo hard not to laugh. Aaaahhh, teenage girls..and the moments we steal with them...gotta love them.
There are moments too..finding happiness in being at our little farm, the sweet smell of the horses, their soft coats, their kind eyes...something about the outside of a horse that is so good for the inside of us.
Our horses are part of our family, and we have become part of the most amazing community because of them. We have all become better women,..because of those horses. Being with them feels more like "home" than our house does. There is nothing complex with a horse, and they have taught us to be congruent in our thoughts and actions...as they are. There have been endless lessons in responsibility, diligence, finding a good work ethic, gentleness, what freedom means..and what it feels like to have it taken from you, patience ,leadership(without carrying a big stick), and the true meaning of family.
They have taught us sheer bliss and happiness in being together, and just how much staying together means.
I would have to say that we have found a good life, and are pretty in tune with what happiness means to each of us. We do our very best to make the most of every day...and if we have a challenging day...as my dear friend D always reminds us..."There is always another tomorrow."
" A Good Life is not bought by money nor manipulated by minds. A Good life is what you make of it from the place that means the most."
Yes T...you are absolutely right!!!
xo
T was handed an English assignment last week, the topic was to write a short essay on "A Good Life does not have to be Complex". This quote was from her essay. Reading through it gave me a little more insight to my daughter, and made me think about the life we currently live. There is such happiness in the simple things, when you have had moments or events of adversity in life your value system ultimately changes. Our lives I suppose are quite simple, the needs are basic..(the list of wants and wishes from time to time...well thats another story!! )
We have some pretty crazy moments in our house, not to be confused with kaos...as we have no longer any kaos in our lives, I would say life is busy..crazy...and we have some pretty great moments of fun and laughter. Yes we have challenges too, just like everyone else.
This morning I was driving C to school...she was a littel tired and rather quiet...I couldn't resist...something about belting out the newest Rhianna song and throwing in a little air guitar while stopped at the traffic light is just about enough to make any mother die laughing while completely horrifying her teenage daughter!!! I kept it up until almost at the school...haha poor C she was trying soo hard not to laugh. Aaaahhh, teenage girls..and the moments we steal with them...gotta love them.
There are moments too..finding happiness in being at our little farm, the sweet smell of the horses, their soft coats, their kind eyes...something about the outside of a horse that is so good for the inside of us.
Our horses are part of our family, and we have become part of the most amazing community because of them. We have all become better women,..because of those horses. Being with them feels more like "home" than our house does. There is nothing complex with a horse, and they have taught us to be congruent in our thoughts and actions...as they are. There have been endless lessons in responsibility, diligence, finding a good work ethic, gentleness, what freedom means..and what it feels like to have it taken from you, patience ,leadership(without carrying a big stick), and the true meaning of family.
They have taught us sheer bliss and happiness in being together, and just how much staying together means.
I would have to say that we have found a good life, and are pretty in tune with what happiness means to each of us. We do our very best to make the most of every day...and if we have a challenging day...as my dear friend D always reminds us..."There is always another tomorrow."
" A Good Life is not bought by money nor manipulated by minds. A Good life is what you make of it from the place that means the most."
Yes T...you are absolutely right!!!
xo
Friday, January 20, 2012
3 1/2 Years.....
Today, the girls and I have been on our own for exactly 3 1/2 years. Most Anniversaries are somewhat celebratory, while others remain sobering. In between are the ones that are both. I think today's Anniversary falls under both. Sobering in that when I started out...at 18, having graduated high school and beginning college, I never dreamed in a million years that life would turn out the way it has. I was fully consumed with the notion that I would meet the man of my dreams, fall madly in love and he with me) , we would have a beautiful family and we would live blissfully ever after. (Side note...I promised myself to NEVER be one of those mothers who drove a station wagon!!). Well, I embarked on college, a good job, and kissed a few toads along the way. I met my girls father (I will refer to him as Big Daddy or BD throughout this and future blog posts) while in my early 20's and fell madly in love with him, and his big family! I met BD at the gym I worked at, I taught Aerobics class there, (or as my favourite soon to be sis in law refered to as "Jump & Shout" class), we hit it off like a house on fire..he was full of personality, bravado, and striking good looks! I almost had the dress picked out! Our relationship spanned 5 years before the "I do's". We had lived together for 4 of those years, been blessed with our oldest daughter T, a house, a dog and what seemed to be a somewhat normal life. We had a small wedding, just 48 of our closest friends and family...it was such a fun, classy little party! It snowed like crazy that night, it was a late December Wedding..so rather perfect.
The next few years proved to be anything but perfect...as any marriage or relationship we had hurdles, and much of the time was tumultuous. BD always had a nasty temper...behind those striking good looks, he has held onto an anger that was installed long before I came along. Several years in and after a brief 2 year separation..(attributed to his anger ) we were blessed with our second daughter C. Things were alright for a short time...well sort of. Despite several attempts to "live with it", eventually BD's temper became an atributing factor to the end of the marriage. I felt for more years than not..it must be me..something I did, something I didn't do, something I was, or wasn't, perhaps if I only....fill in the blanks, it didn't matter what I would put in there..it wasn't enough. I loved him enough to stay with him for 23 years. There were times when I didn't always like him, the love however didn't die. I left in less than optimal circumstances, there had been several bouts of physical threats and abuse, and too much verbasl assaults to even count. We had less than 24 hours to leave with whatever mattered most to us. I had no real idea of how many true friends we had, I am grateful to this day and will never forget the help they gave us during the transition of our lives.
3 1/2 years later , we are standing tall...not to say we have not hit our knees..man have we ever! We have the most amazing circle of friends..they are there with a hug, with their hand to help us up, and always with their hearts which have kept us safe. I love them all . We have learned so much in these few short years..(although at times it has felt like an eternity),.
When you are women on your own, there are some very important things you need to know... you learn that car maintence is extremely important, things like general household fixits can be challenging..but not impossible, painting the inside your own house is really fun, dealing with a mouse who has found his way into the house...um not so fun, making big decisions knowing that you are the one that it all hangs on is necessary, and not scarry ( most of the time nobody dies...you just have to make the right decision..lol), that being a full time working single mother still allows you the time to be a good mother..really!!.....and that looking after onesself is paramount. I've learned a lot about trust, and how it relates to decisions I make, and who I feel deserves it. I have learned that peace in the home is priceless...no kaos, no drama accepted. I have learned that there are no bad decisions, just better ones, and the rougher the experience, the more illuminated and important the lesson is. I am still learning to watch more than I listen, and I am not afraid of loving the people around me, and telling them every chance I get. Last year the divorce became final...it was within days of the 3 year mark. To say the journey was rough, would be an understatement. Divorce is no party, it is incredibly sobering and final.
So here we are six months later, on my own, the Girls and I, our little farm and the horses that mean so much to us, our 2 dogs, and a brand new year. If there is a reason for Celebration...I celebrate all that we have learned, who we have become, all that we have experienced, and the ones we love so very much along the way. There is something about 2012...it's fresh, it is full of hope and opportunity, rich with experiences and anticipation. I really feel its going to get better and better.
xo
The next few years proved to be anything but perfect...as any marriage or relationship we had hurdles, and much of the time was tumultuous. BD always had a nasty temper...behind those striking good looks, he has held onto an anger that was installed long before I came along. Several years in and after a brief 2 year separation..(attributed to his anger ) we were blessed with our second daughter C. Things were alright for a short time...well sort of. Despite several attempts to "live with it", eventually BD's temper became an atributing factor to the end of the marriage. I felt for more years than not..it must be me..something I did, something I didn't do, something I was, or wasn't, perhaps if I only....fill in the blanks, it didn't matter what I would put in there..it wasn't enough. I loved him enough to stay with him for 23 years. There were times when I didn't always like him, the love however didn't die. I left in less than optimal circumstances, there had been several bouts of physical threats and abuse, and too much verbasl assaults to even count. We had less than 24 hours to leave with whatever mattered most to us. I had no real idea of how many true friends we had, I am grateful to this day and will never forget the help they gave us during the transition of our lives.
3 1/2 years later , we are standing tall...not to say we have not hit our knees..man have we ever! We have the most amazing circle of friends..they are there with a hug, with their hand to help us up, and always with their hearts which have kept us safe. I love them all . We have learned so much in these few short years..(although at times it has felt like an eternity),.
When you are women on your own, there are some very important things you need to know... you learn that car maintence is extremely important, things like general household fixits can be challenging..but not impossible, painting the inside your own house is really fun, dealing with a mouse who has found his way into the house...um not so fun, making big decisions knowing that you are the one that it all hangs on is necessary, and not scarry ( most of the time nobody dies...you just have to make the right decision..lol), that being a full time working single mother still allows you the time to be a good mother..really!!.....and that looking after onesself is paramount. I've learned a lot about trust, and how it relates to decisions I make, and who I feel deserves it. I have learned that peace in the home is priceless...no kaos, no drama accepted. I have learned that there are no bad decisions, just better ones, and the rougher the experience, the more illuminated and important the lesson is. I am still learning to watch more than I listen, and I am not afraid of loving the people around me, and telling them every chance I get. Last year the divorce became final...it was within days of the 3 year mark. To say the journey was rough, would be an understatement. Divorce is no party, it is incredibly sobering and final.
So here we are six months later, on my own, the Girls and I, our little farm and the horses that mean so much to us, our 2 dogs, and a brand new year. If there is a reason for Celebration...I celebrate all that we have learned, who we have become, all that we have experienced, and the ones we love so very much along the way. There is something about 2012...it's fresh, it is full of hope and opportunity, rich with experiences and anticipation. I really feel its going to get better and better.
xo
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
"If you want to know who I am......just ask my Children".
Someone once told me..."If you want to know who I am...just ask my children". I thought at the time it was a pretty valid statement. Ask a child any question, especially with regards to their parents, and they will be more than happy to fill you in on their opinion! I have never asked my girls who they think I am...( I have on occassion told them.."I am your Mother..that's why!"), so I am sure they know who I am...I have however had the distinct pleasure...and many proud moments watching who they really are.
I have found my girls to be upstanding, honest, caring people. They have and will always come to the aid of someone, or something less fortunate, or in trouble, or just in need of a hand up. Both girls will always do the right thing. I saw this early on in both of the girls, both T and C had come to the rescue of children on the palyground at their schools, both in elementary school, placing themselves between the bully and the chosen victim. ( I had always said.."Do the right thing...no matter what..I will meet you at the office after").
We have spent the past just over 3 years, in very challenging circumstances, a test really to all of our strengths..and weaknesses. When the going gets tough....well to be honest, we didn't always know where we were going..we just got going, and we found ourselves right where we were supposed to be..every time.
I watch so proudly as my girls navigate through life...both have aspirations to amazing things in life.. They laugh hard, they play hard, and they feel life hard. It's a good thing.
C started high school this year, and while it was not an easy start, she has come through alive..doing well, and knowing who her friends are.
They both handle life with such conviction, passion and with a no stopping me attitude.
This past year we have learned how to let go, move on, embrace change , face loss, and embrace abundance. We thank God and the Universe everyday for the lessons...the easy ones ansd the rough ones. We need both..its balance I guess.
I look at my girls and I am so incredibly proud of them..and to be their Mom... we look after each other, there is an incredible bond, we are friends, and family. We always have each others backs, no matter what. The time we get to spend together is a gift.
I watched them playing..yes playing..in the snow we had last night. The laughter was contageous, and the feeling inside was that of sheer bliss. We were at our farm....the only light outside was the moon, and the sparkling white snow on the ground. They left snow angels on the ground...I left with a memory that will never fade, all I could think of while watching them was...aren't we so incredibly lucky to have each other?
2012 is shaping up to be a fabulous year...there are good things happening....( I promise to share along the way!!), C is planning a Show Season with her horse, and T will be starting University! We will have more time to play, enjoy, have fun and laugh ourselves silly. While there will no doubt be challenges along the way, we are tough, and we have each other, and we will be more than okay...in fact we plan to Dance in the Rain!!!!
So ...the statment...."If you want to know who I am....just ask my children"....I believe "If you want to know who your children are...just watch them." They will show you.....andthey in turn will show you who you really are.
xo
I have found my girls to be upstanding, honest, caring people. They have and will always come to the aid of someone, or something less fortunate, or in trouble, or just in need of a hand up. Both girls will always do the right thing. I saw this early on in both of the girls, both T and C had come to the rescue of children on the palyground at their schools, both in elementary school, placing themselves between the bully and the chosen victim. ( I had always said.."Do the right thing...no matter what..I will meet you at the office after").
We have spent the past just over 3 years, in very challenging circumstances, a test really to all of our strengths..and weaknesses. When the going gets tough....well to be honest, we didn't always know where we were going..we just got going, and we found ourselves right where we were supposed to be..every time.
I watch so proudly as my girls navigate through life...both have aspirations to amazing things in life.. They laugh hard, they play hard, and they feel life hard. It's a good thing.
C started high school this year, and while it was not an easy start, she has come through alive..doing well, and knowing who her friends are.
They both handle life with such conviction, passion and with a no stopping me attitude.
This past year we have learned how to let go, move on, embrace change , face loss, and embrace abundance. We thank God and the Universe everyday for the lessons...the easy ones ansd the rough ones. We need both..its balance I guess.
I look at my girls and I am so incredibly proud of them..and to be their Mom... we look after each other, there is an incredible bond, we are friends, and family. We always have each others backs, no matter what. The time we get to spend together is a gift.
I watched them playing..yes playing..in the snow we had last night. The laughter was contageous, and the feeling inside was that of sheer bliss. We were at our farm....the only light outside was the moon, and the sparkling white snow on the ground. They left snow angels on the ground...I left with a memory that will never fade, all I could think of while watching them was...aren't we so incredibly lucky to have each other?
2012 is shaping up to be a fabulous year...there are good things happening....( I promise to share along the way!!), C is planning a Show Season with her horse, and T will be starting University! We will have more time to play, enjoy, have fun and laugh ourselves silly. While there will no doubt be challenges along the way, we are tough, and we have each other, and we will be more than okay...in fact we plan to Dance in the Rain!!!!
So ...the statment...."If you want to know who I am....just ask my children"....I believe "If you want to know who your children are...just watch them." They will show you.....andthey in turn will show you who you really are.
xo
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